Five-year-Old Interprets Baby Babble

Five-year-old interprets baby babble and it’s a miracle. No, it’s not, she’s barely advanced passed the baby babble stage, herself, so it’s a natural that she would be able to understand the “&%$#(*^%$#” her sister utters. Speaking of utters, I need an utter attached to a Guernsey, somewhere out back in a fence, with a very-very long hose attached to a sippy cup that the baby, almost 3-years-old now, carries all over the house with her. I’m going broke buying milk.

The baby, all 40-pounds of wiry mischief—though her mother swears she’s only 30 some-odd pounds—has been a royal pain this week. Obstinate, bull-headed, stubborn, none of these words accurately describe a child that could plow fields with the determination she possesses. I only thought her mother had a head made of molten steel; this kid has proven that a combination of her father and mother is a willful determined child, not to be toyed with. If she screams at me, one more time this week, her dad will find her duct taped to the wall and I will call CPS and report myself…good grief. Not only can she scream in decibel that cannot be measured with any known instrument, she can stand her ground like a bull ready to charge.

We take her with us, from time-to-time, and people coo over the little tousled-hair darling…if only they knew. She is, she’s perfectly adorable, a beautiful child with a wry sense of humor and a temper that the devil turned down. She’s part angel, part devil, and part concrete formed from some accidental spill that would not clean up. My daughter didn’t believe the child had a mean-streak until the little angel whacked her sister in the head with a mermaid tail on a fairly large doll. She doesn’t need a toy to split your ears and crater your brain, her scream, alone, will do nicely for that task.

My daughter jokes about duct-taping them to the wall when they misbehave, and it is just a joke, but honestly, wouldn’t it be nice if someone made a non-allergenic tape or Velcro piece you could attach to the children in need of disciplinary actions. Just stick that little sucker on the wall and tell them, “I’ll let you down, when you quit screaming at me.”

Meanwhile, back at the baby UN, we need an interpreter because she is stubbornly refusing to say her words clearly enough to be understood. Not sure everything her sister is telling me is factual, since yesterday, she claimed the baby wanted a spanking…yea, sure, that happens a lot.

I need Valium, a boat-load of rum, and a nap!!